As many of you are aware, the Question Mark Police Department has come under considerable scrutiny over the last ten months of disappearances, murders, inexplicable explosions, and a flood. We want the people of Question Mark to know we are trying our best but none of these things were anything any of us have ever trained for. There is no page in the manual about finding children lost in disappearing wells, how to prevent cult activity, how to feed and water plant people, or stopping the end of the world. But still, we persist.

In order to better serve you, Gabby Peters has helped set up the Report-A-Disappearance website, which anyone can use to alert the QMPD to the disappearance of household objects, pets, buildings, or even people. Although there have been a few technical problems with the launch of the website, including one officer who accidentally posted his departmental login and password in a Town Announcement yesterday, which led to teenager hackers unfortunately accessing several police files and expunging their recent violations, Ms. Peters has assured me the Report-A-Disappearance website is now secure.

Please remember, the QMPD are just like you, deeply, deeply flawed people, afraid of all these sudden changes, struggling for meaning in an increasingly-strange world. It would mean a lot if you would please stop throwing objects at our squad cars when we are on patrol.