Last night I was asked to judge the All-Ages Talent Show, the traditional kickoff to our Fourth of July festivities, and it was an evening of exciting—though somewhat off-putting—wonder. I witnessed many hard-working town citizens trying their best, playing nose-horns, doing gymnastics, singing, skipping rope. To be honest, no one was awful but no one was exactly what you might call "world-class material."

First-place went to Mimi Stevens for her recitation of Reginald Willey’s Founder’s Day Speech, which while stirring, I wonder who would have won had Miss Mozart not been, unfortunately, missing. The Question Mark Police Department is still looking for that talented cat.

I wish that this simple report on a Question Mark tradition could have been the sum total of my announcement. However something tragic has happened in the night.

At approximately 0645 this morning, it was discovered that the Department of Streets and Sanitation maintenance and storage shed has, once again, been vandalized. While the regular vandalization of town assets by miscreants is unfortunate, it is predictable. However, this was not the act of simple vandals but a theft as well:

The town's fireworks for our celebration on Tuesday have been stolen. Every last one. Even the sparklers the Question Mark Fire Department was going to hand out to children.

If you have any information regarding this incident, please contact QMPD immediately at (740) 647-4807 extension 1. You are jeopardizing the joy and happiness of the entire community.

Please return the fireworks at once and all charges will be dropped.