As many of you now know, there was much excitement over the weekend when some erratic, know-it-all adolescents discovered a somewhat-interesting, possibly scientific, phenomenon. First of all, let me say there is no cause for alarm. Chief Holt has stated categorically that the phenomenon is harmless, at least from a distance of six feet. Anyone fool enough to get any closer should expect to get what they deserve.

On Sunday, I met with the town council and we decided to use this exciting discovery as an opportunity for exponential economic growth for our town, ignoring pleas from the plebian scientific community for serious, methodical inquiry.

Today, it is my pleasure to announce that we are launching Visit the Void! as a town-wide initiative to boost tourism and to attract outside investment in what is, let’s be honest, a rather middling community on the verge of both economic and psychological collapse.

Over the last forty-eight hours, we have been incredibly busy: building a road to better access this remarkable opportunity, removing an ungainly stack of refrigerators from the garbage dump in order to create the Thompson Zisk Memorial Parking Lot, setting up a website and ticketing system, and printing eye-catching bumper stickers, which residents are strongly encouraged to display on their late-model, clean, automobiles.

I honestly believe it is moments like this where the future is created by bright individuals who have a sense of vision. So, to members of our business community, please contact me with your biggest and boldest ideas and other marketing initiatives regarding this latest financial opportunity.