On Friday November 10th, a number of citizens in town—unfortunately and against common sense—decided to inhale the possibly-toxic spores of the enormous fungus that has lived beneath our town for thousands of years, or so the “scientists” at the Experimental Crop Station have so beseechingly explained. These same “scientists” have finally prepared an antidote and are currently making their way through town, inoculating families, friends, and other members of our community. And to that I say thank you, but it feels perhaps like too little, too late.
Because who are we to blame for this entirely absurd situation we find ourselves in? The town was doing brisk business at our exceedingly-popular tourist attraction up to the very moment where everyone suddenly fell unconscious? When I asked the previously mentioned “scientists” about the dangers posed by the ridiculously-enormous mushroom to our community, their stated response was that the risk was extremely negligible, less than a fraction of a percentage. And I have the emails to prove this in court, if it comes to that, which I am sure it will.
Yes, there are some of you who might perhaps incorrectly attempt to blame my beloved deceased husband, Thompson Zisk, and the number of unfortunate legal challenges and questionable decisions that unfairly define the end of his life. And to those critics, I say: look within. What ethical failures have you committed recently? Did you forget to tip your waitress at the Pine Knot the other day? Did you bring candy from your home to the drive-in against notices to the contrary? Did you claim to be sick when really you were just tired of going to your thankless job? This week, did you lay uselessly on the ground asleep leaving others more awake to work tirelessly on a solution to your unconsciousness?
No one—I repeat no one—in this town is without blame, of that I am certain.
In addition, I am hereby authorizing changing the name of the Thompson Zisk Memorial Parking Lot to the Mayor Elizabeth Zisk Parking Zone of Perpetual Gratitude, now and in perpetuity.