I am so disappointed.

In all of you.

Although this weekend was supposed to mark one of our town’s most steadfast traditions—the occasion of the disappearance of the British regiment, celebrated with a reenactment that many have prepared for for months—it makes little sense to hold the reenactment when the statue that adorns the field that bares its name is still missing.

Maybe my expectations for the men and women of the middling Question Mark Police Department are just too high? Maybe the faith that they would have the competence and ability to find an enormous statue in time for a celebration in which it plays a critical role was misplaced?

Until someone manages to provide an answer to the numerous objects, pets, and statues that have gone missing, and until someone can prevent hysterical young people from posting ridiculous, panicked announcements on this exact website, I will not be spending my time faking my way through another meaningless public event.

And neither should you.

This town would do much better if everyone thought just a little more highly of themselves.

Please feel free to take your lead from me.